Wishing I had all the answers…

I don’t.  And I realize what an understatement this is as I tuck Alex into bed… “Mom, how did Jesus get up on that cross?  Why is God so bright like the sun?  He loves the little children, right?  Are there toys in Heaven?  Are there trees I can climb There, trees with swings?  Oh Mom, I don’t want to go to Heaven old, I won’t be able to climb those trees.  But I don’t want to die little like Lily either.  I wish Lily were here, wish I had a baby sister to hold.  When am I getting one?”

A month ago her mind and these incessant questions would have exhausted me, especially given how ignorant they make me feel.  I mean, I’m supposed to be smarter than my 4-year old, the all-knowing go-to person when nobody else has the patience to listen, right?   I recently finished a book, “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp, an incredibly poignant memoir about finding joy by embracing gratitude.  What a blessing to have a daughter so curious about life, to see planted seeds grow!  (This might just be the first entry in my gratitude journal.)

Finding joy after loss is so difficult, and how quickly I’ve forgotten those around me might still be hurting, especially little Alex.  It breaks my heart she may never get to play the role of big sister; we had practiced for this… the holding, the feeding, the singing of lullabies.  No sweetie, I don’t have all the answers, but this is why I pray and why you and I have started naming and thanking God for his blessings, a few a day, so that our sorrowful voids may be filled with joy.  Yes, I am daring myself to live fully, right here and now, letting go of past regrets and the worries of tomorrow.

Trust in God… think I might just have to order me a bracelet with this engraved, a tangible reminder of His will for my life.


~ by zeekster55 on January 25, 2012.

One Response to “Wishing I had all the answers…”

  1. Sweet Angela,
    What a precious blog. We don’t have all the answers in this life and we may or may not ever get all the answers we think we need now. But when we see Jesus and those who have gone before us and all of the wonders that await us . . . what a glorious day that will be.
    Alex has such a tender spirit and is so sensitive, surely the Lord has wonderful things in mind for her. Just think . . . out of all the mothers in the world, He chose you to be her mother and He also chose you to be Lily’s mother. God is so amazing!
    I’m thankful for you in my life. May God continue to lead and guide you through this process and give you the wisdom you need for such a curious little girl.
    love you,

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